Rant 8: My Pet Armadillo Is My Drummer

I know it, you know it, we all know it. We all think about how much better life would be if we all had pet Armadillos. Never fear, I will be the first to tell you it is actually not as good as we all imagined. On a cloudy Wednesday afternoon 4 months ago, I bought my Armadillo. I knew for sure at the time that this was the final piece of the puzzle that would make me a rockstar. I bought him for $300 in Austrailian money, and put him in the passenger seat of my car. Due to my extensive research, I knew Armadillos like heavy metal music, so I played some as loud as I could, in a gesture of friendship. This didn't work so well because for the next 3 days, he wouldn't listen to me. Some friend he is. I decided to name him Orsgaard: Destroyer of Neptune. I figured that name would mean he would instantly become a powerhouse of a friend, protecting me from all the evils of the world. Instead, he slept a lot. Shows how much he appreciated a great name. After a month, I decided it was time. I strapped him to a drum set and wheeled him on stage. He totally stood me up! He just sat there, not playing the drums! How could I be a famous rockstar if my drummer isn't doing anything?!? Well, I chalked it up to nerves, and took him out for ice cream. Wouldn't you know it, the ungrateful Orsgaard: Destroyer of Neptune made a huge mess all over the floor of my house not two hours later. I forgave him one more time, thinking it was just butterflies in his stomach or something. I then told him to make the album art for our beastly CD that we were going to make together. I locked him in a room with a pad and pen and let him be for 3 days. I know writers and artists need their space, so I didn't bother him. After that time past, I went into the room. Orsgaard: Destroyer of Neptune, chewed up my desk, shredded my curtains, made multiple messes on the floor, and didn't even bother making album art for me. I returned him the next day. Worst. $300 Australian. Ever.