Rant 11: I Will Now Try to Multitask

I decided that today was the day. I was going to fulfill a life long goal of mine. I was going to learn how to walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. This task, I knew, would not be an easy one. I prepared myself by walking. First, slowly, then with my hands in my pockets. Later, I walked with my eyes closed. I was getting in a walking groove(probably aided by the fact that all the displaced dirt around me was forming a sort of groove itself). I then practiced chewing bubblegum. This part was hard. I didn't try to overburden myself by blowing a bubble(as I don't know how to do that), so I just focused on chewing the gum. After a rigorous 6 hours of practice, I figured it was time to go for the gold! I placed a piece of bubblegum(double bubble like a champ) in my mouth and took a step. So far so good. I then chewed on the gum. Wiping my brow(as the effort made me sweat profusely) I tried to take both a step and a bite at the same time. I don't really want to talk about what happened next, but I figure this needs to get off my chest. As my left foot came down from the step, I slipped, crushing an old woman that somehow managed to be right there underneath me. I tried to break my fall by grabbing a fire hydrant, but I only succeeded in opening the nozzle, and the high water pressure sent the poor woman's poodle flying into a 3rd story window. My shoe flew off, striking a semi truck, that careened into a bakery, causing the scene to smell like gasoline and bread. My gum ejected from my mouth, and tumbled into air. It was a minty green piece, that perfectly hit a car windshield in such a spot that someone mistook it for a green stop light. This car went through the intersection, taking out several roadside mascots after the driver tried to avoid the semi truck. I slowly got up. I noticed I knocked the lady out, and she was eating a piece of toast. I took that toast, but before I could, a swarm of seagulls came after me. They ended up eating not only the toast, but the gasoline soaked bakery goods. This mutated their DNA, causing them to become super evil villainous seagulls of evil. All in all, I'd give this day a B+.

Rant 10: Franchising in Caves

I wish I was shrunk down to a 3 inch size person, or so. It would be so incredibly epic. I would be able to drive R/C cars, and skateboard with Tech Decks(anyone remember those amazing little things? I know you do, don't lie), and I could swim in any of my favorite beverage. I could live in a mansion that only took up the space of the middle of a floor. I would troll people by dressing up in a devil outfit and standing on their shoulder, whispering advice to them. I would steal so much money, posing as a tooth fairy. There are endless things I could accomplish by being so small. I could find all lost stuff inside and under couches. That would be pretty neat. It would be like cave diving. How does anyone like that as a sport? I mean, you are basically hurling yourself at a bunch of jagged pieces of very hard stones, and hoping that your parachute opens. If I was a cave diver, I'd probably not ever dive. I'd just casually stroll inside of a cave. I don't know what I'd do after that, because every movie in the world about caves has something go terribly wrong. Instead, I would wear a clown outfit into a cave. You never see clowns in caves, nor do you see them in any immediate danger in almost any movie. That is probably the best way to break the cliche. A lot of people are afraid of clowns though, so maybe that would trigger some sort of crazy chain reaction that would end up with a bannana giving birth to a raccoon the hard way. Personally, I'd avoid caves altogether. There is no McDonalds inside a cave, and I like to be within 7 miles of a McDonalds at all times. It is the American way. Maybe, I will open a McDonalds INSIDE the cave. Imagine me, in a clown suit, serving McDonalds to cave divers that totally did not expect to find a McDonalds in their cave! They'd still have to pay for the McDonalds though.

Rant 9: A Birthday Igloo

My parents looked at me quizzically. I told them what I wanted for my birthday, and there was no stopping my resolve. I had this planned for a long time, and no one on the planet was going to talk me out of this. For years, I had this planned, for years I knew that this birthday would be the one. I told my parents that on this birthday, I wanted an igloo. I would make an impenatrable fortress out of it, considering there was only one door. I would have an endless supply of water, and I wouldn't have to pay for air conditioning. My dream was flawless. My parents, being the great people they are, agreed to build me an igloo. Since I didn't want to stand around and wait for it to be finished, I left for the day, collecting my supplies. I would put my big TV in the igloo, and a lawn chair, and a bed, and a refridgerator.... wait, no, it should be sufficiently cool in there, and all sorts of other wonderful things that will make this perfect. I will also dig a moat around my igloo so that evil doers cannot enter my lair. So, I returned to my house, and looked at the progress of the igloo. It was coming along nicely, as my parents were working on the final touches. They finished, and wished me a happy birthday. I crawled inside the tiny space, and much to my dismay, it was empty! How was I to fit my giant TV inside? Well, I decided to build my moat first, and worry about the TV problem later. I got out my shovel and began to dig. I realized this task was much harder in practice than in thought, but I resigned myself to the task. After 13 hours of intense work, I had my moat. It was a chasm, stretching a whopping 37 inches into the Earth.Surely no one could get through that expanse! I then lit tiki torches around my igloo, to keep the bugs away. It was time to put in the TV. After about an hour of trying to wedge it in the small opening, I gave up. I I hurled the TV into the air, and it crashed into the top of the igloo. Finally! I got both a TV and a skylight in my igloo! With both of these tasks done, I began to paint the walls. This took quite a while, and within the cramped space, gave me quite a headache, but, after 2 days of painting, I now have a neon pink and green igloo with a skylight and a moat. I asked my parents for a dragon to protect me, but they said no. Shows how much they love me. They'll import tons of snow into this temperate climate, but no, one little teeny tiny dragon is too damn much for them to get me. Lamers.