Rant 12: Of Squirrels and Underwater Living

What the fuck man? This is a huge-ass paragraph Tristan. Why should we read this? Why should we read anything? What the hell is a book anyway? Well you'll all be fucking authors after retelling this grand tale. The feud began on a rainy Tuesday, like all important feuds do. I knew I'd be in for a long war of attrition when I saw the whites of his eyes. Yes I dug trenches, yes I built a castle, yes I enlisted a draft. None of it mattered. The Japanese Flying Squirrel with laser eyes would have none of it. He carpet-bombed my battlements, pillaged my town, and ate my Doritos. My precious Doritos. That's when I knew I'd have to bring in the big guns. A motherfucking Chinese Flying Squirrel with an axe to grind. A literal axe, and since squirrels aren't adept at grinding weaponry, I couldn't use him in my war. But at this point other people have joined in to help, because obviously they would, because the menance of foreign flying squirrels needed to be eliminated. So at this point it's like 100 people vs a few of those demon critters. What's a man to do? Well I'll tell you, I'll build a house underwater. I started by pouring concrete on the sea floor. My foundation then was a blob-like mess, but that's ok, who needs a foundation anyway? After scrapping house number one, and not wanting to live next to the ugly, unfinished house someone who totally wasn't just me build, I tried again. This time, it worked. Don't ask how, but now I have a house underwater. But alas, my commute for groceries was a pain, so I got a drone. A drone that can fly and also swim. And also make chocolate shakes. I mean, who wouldn't spring for the chocolate shake upgrade package? I know I couldn't pass that up. So I'm drinking my shake in my underwater house when I realized that without a banging party, my life would be incomplete. So I gathered my glitter and my construction paper, and those awful scissors your teacher says are supposed to be for cutting that paper, but actually suck, and I set to work. After three weeks of a labour of love, my party invites were complete. I got on my computer to tell everyone that I made party invites when I realized I just invited them to the party that way. Well, that plan didn't work out so well, so I opened a window and threw the invites into the ocean, promptly flooding my underwater house. I now live with 3 fish and a bulbous, gross looking other creature that claimed my reclining chair. What a dickhead, I paid good money for that chair. I decided to move out, and I took with me my handy dandy table fan, SNES controller, and 3 mostly dead AAA batteries. Never know when you'll need those. So you're probably wondering: Tristan, how did you breathe underwater with all that water in your dwelling. I'll tell you. I had a snorkel. A blue and burnt-sienna snorkel. I made it to the surface, ready to pursue my aspirations of becoming a world famous friend of not sea animals. But then I saw that the Japanese Flying Squirrel killed everyone and there were no pizzas left to eat.